There is something uniquely special about a charismatic person that feels captivating and charming…. almost as if they were gifted with a special skill. Yet most of us don’t realize this lyrical skill resides in all of us….it is just waiting to be awakened. Nevertheless, it is the always the barely perceptible charismatic that effortlessly communicates with unyielding confidence and charm that always wins the role merely by influencing others.
In her book, The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, Olivia Fox Cabane discusses charisma and the powerful effects it projects on others to influence, persuade and even improve the quality of our relationships.
So how does a person develop or rediscover their charisma? Here are a few perspectives taken from Cabane’s book that anyone can use to develop some core elements of charisma.
Anyone can Learn Charisma
Charisma is a learnable skill. Many people believe and are held captive to social conditioning beliefs that charisma is a special genetic trait only a select few are blessed with. However, these assumed beliefs only mire us into a limited mindset which prevents us from acknowledging our own unique gifts and talents that could potentially awaken our inner charisma. And while it’s true that some extroverts are born with a natural inclination to be charismatic and will not need to put fourth much effort, most of us will have to put fourth effort into harnessing our charisma.
Presence, Power, and Warmth
Cobain talks about the three components that make up charisma: presence, power, and warmth. The key is to have a healthy balance between all three components to be charismatic. If you have too much of one component and lack in another, you will not be charismatic.
- Presence
- Power
- Warmth
Presence (Speaking and Listening)
When someone is speaking to you, are you having impatient and distractive thoughts about what you are going to say next? Being fully present in conversation requires listening to others and not listening to entangled thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future, or unnecessary and unruly thoughts.
The good news is, having presence is skill everyone can learn. To be fully present, we must give good eye contact when others are speaking and listen to what they are sharing, word by word, while being open and relaxed to their ideas. Such unguarded approach, will make anyone feel exceptionally good and make you more inviting and attractive to others.
When charismatics are actively engaged in dialog by being present in the moment, they are communicating nonverbally that they are exactly where they want to be which is talking to the other person.
Power
Power can be displayed as intelligence, confidence, social ranking, or status. Some sceptics may argue that showing one’s power is insincere and manipulative, but here is where I believe the difference is. Having a healthy balanced level of power, without compromising one’s integrity and values, will only increases charisma.
Conversely, if we only use power to merely make ourselves feel better, bring us validation and acceptance, or manipulate others, it will eventually limit or destroy any potential charisma and will make our communications with others malleable and unclear.
Of course, all of us have insecurities, weaknesses, and flaws that we struggle with every day, but the difference rests in how we project them. The key is to accentuate your unique strengths and disguise, but not hide, your perceived weakness and flaws.
On the other note, when power is combined with warmth, you will be able to interact with others from a place of completeness and be forthright…. and this creates charisma.
Warmth
Our warmth, or a lack of it, will always come across in our day to day communications with others. More importantly, people will take notice if we are truly authentic or just putting on a theatrical show (yes, people can always tell).
While this may be overly simplified, it is our sincere expressions in our nonverbal communications that create meaningful moments and memories because we are able to project warmth and gratitude from our lives onto others. Learning how to convey warmth, compassion and sincerity in everyday interactions can only amplify our inner beauty and potential to others.
With that said, warmth and power must be combined in equal and healthy amounts. If you show too much power with no warmth, you may be viewed as aggressive and untrustworthy. If you display warmth with no power, you may be perceived as a pushover. When balanced together in the right situation, you will be charismatic.
Warmth + Power = Charisma
To Have Charisma, You First Need to Overcome Discomfort
The pursuit of your purpose, dreams, and your happily ever afters involves finding it within yourself and not in a metaphorical Prince Charming. The same is true for charisma. When we place unnecessary responsibility on others to make us happy and fail to take responsibility for our aspirations and dreams, we subscribe to being someone we are not….and this is a lazy way of quitting or giving up which kills charisma.
When you follow your purpose, despite any challenges or adversity, your dreams will appear in ways beyond your expectations and others will admire you for living your fairytale life on your terms…and this makes you charismatic.
And speaking of fairytales, all my beloved childhood fairytale heroines never exclude encounters with setbacks, obstacles, and failures which, in the end, created an unimaginable level of charisma, gratitude, growth and self-fulfillment.
Regardless of the perspective you choose to view it, there will always be cruel stepsisters, stepmothers, archetypes of evil kings and queens, in fairytales and in life, that want to destroy the competition along with ticking grand clocks only serving as reminders to hastily pursue any opportunities before you. Truth is, your life would not be complete without the valuable lessons learned from these setbacks and yes even the antagonists.
Charismatic Mental States
Quite simply, a charismatic mental state is a self-filled style of energy that is created. An optimal mental state is shown by being content and centered while showing vivaciousness and vulnerability. Cabane discusses different mental states and how we are the creators and controllers of our current mental state. Her book provides simple exercises to create a positive mental state.
It is important to make daily conscious efforts by becoming observant of any negative internal dialogue that sneaks into our mind and to respond with a positive repartee.
The result of allowing negative thoughts to linger in our mind will only bring a sense of neediness or a wistful desperation to have people act a certain way which is a form of manipulation. This neediness and desperation is quite the opposite of charisma…..and nobody will be attracted to this – unless they also have a similar mental state.
Which leads me to something I’m quite convinced about mental states and charisma- it demands we give more of ourselves by having awareness of our current mental state and changing course if needed to create charisma. After all, we can only begin to inspire devotion in others after first recognizing than adjusting any negative thoughts that impede our communication with others.
Here are a few practices Cabane gives to put yourself in a positive mental state
- Visualization
- Exercises that involve using your imagination to get into a mental state of gratitude, compassion, and self-compassion
- Using body language to change your mental state
If these exercises are put into practice, it will change your mental state dramatically. In her book, Cabane provides detailed step-by-step instruction on how to do these exercises.
Charisma Styles
Cabane discusses in detail four main charisma styles suitable for a plethora of personalities: authority charisma, visionary charisma, focus charisma, and kindness charisma. Choosing the best charisma style will depend on your personality and the situation you are in.
- Authority Charisma: The most powerful of charismas. However, it does not necessarily mean you will be likable. This type of charisma projects high status and unshakable confidence to influence others. Examples: Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher
- Visionary Charisma: Has a strong foundation of beliefs. Projects absolute commitment to a cause or vision. Examples: Steve Jobs, Martin Lither King Jr.
- Focus Charisma: Is always present by giving full attention and focus towards a project or cause. Examples: Gandi, Bill Gates
- Kindness Charisma: Has a high level of compassion and empathy for others by projecting warmth, caring and acceptance. Examples: Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama, Princess Diana
Use Charisma Responsibly
Charisma is power and can be spellbinding. Charismatics often encounter people who get caught in the charismatic spell and socially dish out and reveal every intimate and personal detail of their life. However, taking responsibility for your charismatic power involves not allowing a person to reveal too much personal information about themselves that will undoubtedly create shame and regret.
Conversely, responding respectfully and tactfully with a dignified change of topic or vague statement when we are hit with an onslaught of revealing and personal information that a person would regret later.
However, waiting patiently behind the scenes only to gather gossip or information to underhandedly serve oneself by means of manipulation is disingenuous and irresponsible use of charisma.
Having the insight and knowledge to know what to share and how much to share does take practice. When we truly value ourselves and others, we revel just enough for social appropriateness without being deceptive.
Living a Charismatic Life
Truth is, to feel abundant, we must learn how to first appreciate the small daily miracles in our life…. many which go overlooked. This can be accomplished by having gratitude. Merely having an inner perception that comes from being and feeling grateful will exude charisma and magnetically attract others to you.
Charisma is more of a look, listen, and learn type of engagement with ourselves and with others. Of course, this does take conscious everyday effort, but by choosing to be present and engaging with others, you will be unmistakably certain to improve your social world…and that’s what I am all about.
How important is charisma for you?
XOXO JC Hayes
images: Vivek Doshi, Darshan Patel